Psychosis

This Monday Sifu sent me a text that read the following, "You are on for the fight." Those 6 words had an effect on me, to say the least. I sent out an invite and email to my friends and family letting them know the details. I have no idea what time I am fighting but I really don't care. I have been training every day, with some very experienced teammates. John and Ahmed are very skilled and fantastic teachers. They have helped me step me game up to a new level in the past few days. I have so many things to work on but anyone who knows me knows how much I love a challenge.

Tuesday during sparring I gave people a glimpse inside my head. After Ahmed connected with some sort of punch I pivoted out, slammed my gloves together, and yelled something intelligible. Immediately I overhead the "calm down, take it easy, relax" typical banter.

I will start by saying that few people have seen me train intensely. I push myself every day, that goes without question but sometimes, every once in a while, a switch goes off inside, and I become consumed with something. Do not mistake this for a clouded, veil of emotion that prevents me from seeing what is before me. This is a clearing of my mind. A way to expel the cobwebs and distractions. I am sure I get a "look" in my eyes, although no one has ever told me nor seen it myself. What I can say is this. . . stay away. Don't come at me with a lot of talk. None of this, "Adam do this" or "Adam relax." It serves a purpose you cannot fully understand.

I am my biggest critic. I have pushed myself for long enough, alone, to know this. I know what works for me and what doesn't. Don't confuse me screaming, pounding my fists, or any other typical showing of "losing control" as just that. It is, in fact, the opposite. I know I can be better than I am today. And tomorrow I will be better still. Call it passion, call it attention seeking, but do not call it weakness. Believe me, when you hear me clear the air, know that I am focused. I become a man possessed, obsessed with bettering myself in any aspect.

I have been called many things. Crazy, an asshole (most common), loud, obnoxious but all of those things carry an air of negativity from the announcer. I take those negative things and flip them. I let them fuel me. No one can push themselves harder, faster, longer than I. Striving for perfection is what causes us to be better people. When you settle for mediocrity, you have already lost the battle.

Psychosis is defined as a loss of contact with reality. In the ring is where my reality will be realized. My screams and yells, my barks and outlandish behavior are evidence of a war, a reality you are not a part of.

This is my psychosis, I embrace it.